January 08, 2009

The modern Pakistani housewife is bored senseless, partly because she is not encouraged to keep friends, writes Sobia Aslam

I went to a Nikkah recently; the usual festive affair. Local girl marrying a Pakistani banker settled abroad, good looking couple, glitter and fireworks, magic and rainbows; happiness everywhere. Decked up girls, spruced up men, a very happy mother, a couple of brothers feeling very important and a father running around and getting all the work done. Interestingly, on my way out I met one of the bride’s best friends. She expressed immense happiness at her friend’s good fortune but then exclaimed, “I don’t know what I’ll do after she’s gone. I’m sick of losing friends to marriage!”

I knew exactly what she meant.Losing close friends to marriage is not an unusual phenomenon for me, for I have lost more than many in the last 10 years. It is a rather strange and inexplicable concept but those who have been through it will understand where I’m coming from. I have, in fact, come to dread the M word when it comes to all my dear friends.

Before marriage, friends are everywhere, ever ready to meet, dine out, share secrets, come over for a sleepover, or have a quick coffee together. You know them inside out and they are your most trustworthy confidants. But enter marriage and this is what you hear most frequently:

“I don’t know if my husband is in the mood to get out tonight; sorry babe, I don’t think I can make it.”

“We have to attend a family wedding with the in-laws today. I think we’ll have to cancel dinner. I’m so sorry!”

Pretty soon you realise that the friend who was over at your house every other day has not met you in three months. And once they have children, it gets even worse:

“I have to take Pinky to her friend Dinky’s house; she’s holding a party to celebrate Obama’s victory!”

“A five-year-old celebrating Obama’s victory?” you think… what has the world come to?

The gist of the matter is that your friends are no longer your property. Suddenly husband # 1 has a company dinner to take her to or husband # 2 is in the mood to go watch a movie or husband # 3’s parents are coming over… whatever it is, it is the start of a strange, creepy feeling that things will never ever be the same again.

Why is it that women devote so much of their time to their marriage that they forget to have fun? Some will argue that priorities change; others will say, “You haven’t crossed that road yet, how would you know what it’s like?” But the truth of the matter is that it is simply a matter of striking a balance.

Unfortunately, I meet many women who feel disillusioned with life a few years into the marriage. Suddenly the veneer of happiness wears off or spreads so thin that the shine starts to dull and life doesn’t seem like paradise anymore. This is not just because of a set routine or monotony; it’s the lack of contact with people outside their self-created world: husband, in-laws and children. This is one of the main reasons for discontentment.

Many of us Desperate Housewives fans will know that desperate actions call for desperate measures. And in the case of bored housewives, this usually means fights with the in-laws or nasty gossiping.

One dare not say that life is easy for a married woman in Pakistan. In this country, with its self-imposed regulations and ‘what will society say’ concerns, it is difficult to come out of your shell and speak about the problems that ail the modern woman. Despite the many talk shows on air nowadays, it is still considered uncouth to air your dirty laundry in public.

The truth is, the modern housewife is bored senseless, which is more than partly because she is not encouraged to keep friends. Her first and foremost duty is the husband and the house, and any contact outside this world is frowned upon. So she ends up losing her friends and becomes a shell of her formal self. Even when she does meet other people, the only topic of conversation is the kids, their school, their teachers, their silly antics… which, to be honest, are quite silly as no one else is interested in them.

Of course, some are brave enough to rebel against this stereotype. You see hordes of ladies in popular dining spots at lunch time, with their hair blown out, perfect make-up, designer hand bags and flashy clothes. These are the yummy mummies who are ‘with it’ even without their ‘single, ready to mingle’ status. These ladies meet their friends regularly, just to show that they can still have friends. The children are with the maidservant and mommies-in-law have been told from the very beginning what they can do with their unnecessary advice.

But alas, these friends are more social, in line with the husband’s corporate ladder climbing ambitions. Sharing secrets amongst this stratum is akin to airing your dirty laundry in public; and believe me, in this circle, dirty laundry is aplenty.

So when my soon-to-be-married friends tell me things will never change and that we will remain best friends forever, I just tell them that what is important is that they strike a balance. Learn to adjust to your new life but bring along your friends with you so that even when things change, they remain the same.